Wallowing in your own crapulence

Time to profess

2007-04-03T14:25:00.000-07:00

In May or possibly June, I am moving to Southern California to be with whom I am feeling might be the love of my life.

I never wrote about him in here! Isn't that silly? Maybe I alluded to him, but I never once wrote about the times I've shared with Paul Paul. His full name is Paul Harold Harrison and he makes me feel like a child all over again. Every day I feel more and more bonded to him, as if anyone else in the world would be wrong for me. The things we've shared emotionally are just beyond any other kind I've ever shared with another person. The similarities are shocking. The distresses we share, the same. The kind of lives we want to lead are completely identical. Even our childhood memories sync up in a way that I can only describe as stunning. Everything we feel and say comes from the same place, even if they aren't the exact same feelings and expressions. Our whole lives mesh together perfectly. Our heartbreak and sorrows hovered over the same rocky path, only to vaporize and turn into what can only be described as life giving oxygen.

I love Paul and Paul loves me. There is no turning back to the previous lives we've lived. There is a complete rebirth within me, a renaissance of desire to live and to do. In my heart there is a renewal that fills me with hope and passion, a kind that exists in trashy romance novels and mid-tier depression era musicals.

I am terminating my lease agreement as soon as can be arranged and preparing to possibly sublet. By this summer, I hope to be living and working out of Sherman Oaks in the Valley.

2007-03-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

I sure wish people would let me enjoy things.

2007-02-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

I was hoping that things would be getting better, but apparently that's just not the case today. I have to replace my blinds in my apartment, but besides that, I am not terribly happy dealing with some issues right now. It's funny because they aren't issues of me, they are issues of someone else and not the someone else I made my most recent post about. Someone else much closer to me.

I really hope that person knows how much I care and how much I want that person to recognize how great it's all been. I was very shocked - nay, astonished by how much this person needs to be validated at this time. Maybe saying validated feels sort of harsh, but I can't find a better word to describe what I'm observing right now.

I wish oh wish that my special someone would not take it all so hard.

And I didn't think I would have a valentine this year...

2007-02-15T07:26:00.000-08:00

Well it seams there is someone new in my life. Or attempting to be new. It's so funny and so weird, I thought "Oh my God, somebody somewhere has got to be playing a joke on me" when I was introduced and now it appears I've gotten....hmmm, let's see, about a dozen or two text messages and 4 or 5 calls in the past 2 days? Funny, isn't it. Girls get all pissy and emotionally insecure when they don't get a call after the one night stand (do people still do that shit anymore?) and now here I am getting daily - er, nightly - calls and a massive pink bouquet from someone I never even went to bed with.

If I have too much of an opinion on the subject, I'm likely to stick my foot in my mouth. Half of my problem is not because of who he is or who he's been, it's what everyone else who cares about me thinks he is or was. I normally wouldn't give such a rats ass about what friends thought of an admirer or wannabe suitor, but trust me blog when I say I know who he is and I'm pretty well informed as to who he was and I am not appreciating a lot of the tension that is brewing right now. I can't even imagine what sort of criticism is conjuring on his end, but I am trying my very best to be an adult about it. We're all adults here - well, most of us are - and I think it's time to take adult perspectives on things. I am sure someone in his situation would be expecting the commentary, but I don't think it's going to mean anything to him in the end.

Anyway I don't know what all the fuss is about right now, it's not serious, there are no plans, no titles and no expectations. If I were planning on running away with some infatuated man I'd known for a week, then someone could get up and stop me. But I'm not doing that. The bottom line is we've done nothing wrong to each other and I'm hoping people will not look crookedly upon the situation.

Heeelllllps!

2007-01-31T09:48:00.000-08:00

Well we finally figured out who's a she and not only that he's a she, but she was in fact prego as I suspected and bestowing upon me the miracle of birth beneath my bed as we speak. Well isn't that just wine and roses?

Ok I am angry and sort of pouty because now I have to decide where to send my little foster family. FREE KITTENS EVERYONE!

I'm very busy and I need to find a good place for these little miracles. There appear to be at least 3 little naked molerats at this time. I cannot yet tell if there are any stillborns because she is nestled deep in my bed corner and all I can see is piles of wet, hungry white fur. Most of them appear to be white while one appears to be Pippin #2! I interrogated her as to whether or not she's the rightful father. So far she's not bothering which is good and Foster seems to be in good spirits, happy with her pile of babies, so I assume there are no stillborns.

By the end of the week I want both Foster and he babies out of here and somewhere humane. Put the word out!

I have a new fwend

2007-01-19T01:00:00.000-08:00

He is small and fuzzy and grey with faint stripes across his body. He is so, so skinny. I got him from Tiffany's friend James. He and his roomates found him abandoned in their apartment, wandering around hungry and cold. He is so, so scrawny, he looks just old enough to be fixed soon and he definately needs some vaccinations and to be checked for worms. Other than that, he's devoid of fleas and earmites and is certainly healthy in attitude and mannerisms. Tiff says she can see that his fur will be fluffy and thick. Once he starts eating healthy again and is in a warm, nurturing environment, I'm sure some fat and muscle will build onto him and his fur will grow in healthy and full.

He has a small, narrow face that has a hint of Siamese in it, as does the kink at the end of his bony tail. It's nothing short of a miracle the guys found him and took him in before our ice storm hit. They named him Foster because he's being passed from foster home to foster home - I might change that name. Actually to tell the truth, I may not keep him. I have no need for a new cat at this time. I would like to make sure he's healthy and take care of him until someone who needs a life time companion is interested. I also need to make sure he's really a boy! Last time I got a little "tom", I had a surprise. I am hoping he's not only a boy, but not pregnant - the belly is bloated, but that could just be because he's so hungry. I should have Claire take a look and make sure. If I decide not to keep him, I'll put up a Craigslist post or take him to a nice no kill shelter. If he turns out to be a she and she turns out to be expecting...sorry, but it's to the no kill shelter with her and her brood. Brand new kitties born in a shelter will find homes in no time and they'll be sure to fix her. She should also go quickly if she is in fact, not a boy - she (if she is a she) is young and petite and very lovable. Skiddish and shy, a bit, but definately good natured and warm to people.

Pippi is mad at me. She is just not at all getting why this strange, nasty little thing is with us. She's not mad at me, but she just stalks and hisses at him while he wanders around exploring. He seems to be getting comfortable very quick! He came out from under the bed (the first destination for all cats once you bring them home) and is loving the catnip carpet tower!

Janet, I will have to take some pictures because guess who he/she looks just like? A certain scrawny, affectionate little senior cat with faint stripes and narrow green eyes...

Blogger never remembers who I am when I log in

2007-01-07T02:36:00.000-08:00

I've had this blog for almost a year and I am considering deleting it. I don't want to look at it anymore. It's not as if anyone really reads it. I don't think the people on my list update theirs anymore anyway. It seams trivial to even keep it.

I look back at posts from Spring of last year and I'm not even the same person. I'm so stupidly optimistic about everything. Also notice everyone mysteriously ceases to comment on virtually any entries made after the summer. I wonder why that is? I guess it's not fashionable to even update these anymore.

2007-01-01T23:05:00.000-08:00

I'm so empty you could park the Grand Canyon in me, but I'm so shallow you couldn't drown a fly in me either. I used to think I was deep or full, but I'm really not. I'm not smart and I'm not in danger of changing the world any time soon. I don't see anything good around me. I see a lot of shallow, empty things that I used to pour thoughts into. I used to pour love and sentiment and empathy into things I thought meant something.

I usually make fun of those girls who make hope chests, but it took me years to notice that my entire life is one big hope chest. It's decorated and embellished with all these things I thought I would have. Some things sort of simple - love, family, health - and some things a little more complicated - wealth, recognition, aptitude. I don't have any of these. All I did for years was adorn myself and my surroundings with reminders of why I want to live. Searching for some false sense of security that I thought would appease and nurture me into a bigger, better person, I was a fool to imagine that I could obtain this.

I'm sure nobody wants to know how I spend the day, but I'll tell you anyway. I wake up anytime between 2 and 4 in the afternoon. I will get any errands done immediately. I will run to the bank, pay a bill, or get some milk and apples from the store. This will usually not take more than an hour or 2. I will then retire into my apartment either flipping through my many books and magzines that I've read a thousand times before, looking for passages and photographs that always make me laugh or penetrate my imagination if only for a couple of seconds. Sometimes I'll watch The Simpsons or I'll put in a DVD. Then I'll usually spend 4 to 8 hours on the computer. Usually I'll only get on if there's a reason: I want to see if someone responded to a message or an email I wrote or I need to make sure my bank account isn't negative. By the time I am sleepy and I decide to go to bed, it is usually between 4 and 6 AM. If I sleep for less than 12 hours, I am cranky, groggy and not at all able to function. My whole evening afterwords feels strange and tired.

The sleep I'll have usually won't be a good one because my apartment has no curtains and only vinyl blinds that are missing many rows. I am often awakened by my cat. Some time in the afternoon I'll wake up and wonder why I am even doing it. I will want to sleep again and sleep longer. If I stay up all day, I will be reminded of how much more people are actually getting out of life. They have classes and appointments and schedules to meet. I may have a job interview to go to. I'll go to the interview and maybe I'll get the job. I'll have it for 2 months if I'm lucky. During that time I will mostly just go to work and sleep when I come home. After I lose the job, I live off of what I have and I will look for usually a month or 2 again. When what I have runs out, I am usually bailed out of rent by my reluctant parents who insist I come home to sleep on their couch. If I do my dad gets drunk and yells at me, then my mom gets mad at him, but gets mad at me when I ask for gas to go home. Then we argue and she says this is all so-and-so's fault that I am not nice and I need a job. Then if I tell her how ill I am she says it's all because I made bad grades and all I want is for people to feel sorry for me.

I am not a cutter and I don't hurt myself, but I remember I tried to burn myself with a curling iron once. I don't know what I thought it would do, no one ever died from a curling iron burn - that I know of. I'm just not into pain. I am however curious about the psychiatric hospital system. I wonder if I hurt myself bad enough....would they let me stay there? I don't know about payment or if they really make people pay for that sort of stuff, but if I could get away with not having to pay to live somewhere warm where I have people to talk to, I would do it. Not anything fatal, but enough to convince them I can't live on my own. I'd always have someone to talk to and there would always be somebody to pay attention to me and ask me how my day is going. I bet the food is always warm and the sheets get cleaned every day. And it's not as if you have to worry about your appearance - you certainly wouldn't be the scariest looking person there. Sure it wouldn't be the ritz, but it's heald up to state standards.

I bet I wouldn't be the first person that's done it.

I've decided to retire

2006-12-19T20:27:00.000-08:00

Life is shit. It's a big pile of shit all dressed up like a whore ready to go out on the town. I am so sick and tired of people. I'm completely fed up with them.

People don't care. They absolutely do not care. No matter how loyal or concerned anyone pretends to be, they are all lying through their teeth. They care about themselves. Anything that benefits you is only coincidental to their convenience. These could be their sexual needs or their professional or maybe even monetary needs. Other people do not matter.

My favorites are the ones that will engage you into a false sense of security and care from which they brew their own signature brand of exploitation that will somehow take your best qualities and mold them into an accessible shape that both conveniences and sustains them until the shape can no longer be maintained without a certain amount of effort on their part. Then, things become ugly. You don't recognize your own exploitation however until you discover through some unforeseen circumstances, that this facade of humanity they so eagerly and tactfully parade as if it were an actual facet of their own personality begins to shed like a second skin, only to grow back just in time for some vital instance of social decorum that will get them through to the next level. They preposterously buy into their own faux being of graciousness and forward thinking humility because they were educated to do so. Not to exercise a real and tangible act of thoughtful good nature mind you, but to make gliding into life a little bit easier and ultimately slide over it as if it were fresh, newly frozen ice. When you're walking and stumbling over your own rocky, hot terrain, do you think they would dare step over to lend a hand or even a sense of relief from this nightmare? Not if they can help it. The life they've become content with is one that cannot be interrupted by the realities and needs of others.

Then you have these other assholes who are so insecure and so buried in their own fantasies that anything challenging or at the very least interrupting that fantasy must be stopped at all costs, no matter how much hurt and insensitivity they have to dish out. They all fit the exact same profile. They're fat, short, tall, skinny, male, female, lazy and ambitious, but they all have one thing in common: they hate me. Their heads go all the way up their own rectums. So far you can't tell where they begin or end. Through some sort of golden ticket privilege or lucky chance, whether it was predestined or obtained, they have stumbled into a personalized state of entitlement laid out before them like a foundation.

True they are often idle, pretentious, deeply affected, boastfully indolent, wasteful, small minded, talentless, ignorant, prideful, incapable, helpless, content with their own lethargy and so bored with their own piteously unmerited living situation that they propel chaos and misery into the lives of others in order to make their own seem more complete, but this won't stop cowards and flakes from defending and denying the previously mentioned qualities. When they meet passionate incentive with lack of sanction or become involved with someone less selfish than they, but highly more deserving, their first instinct is to step in and elicit chaos. Why? Well I couldn't really tell you. Maybe a skewered upbringing rendered them poorly socialized or inanely useless as functioning adults or perhaps they were either over or underexposed to reality. Who knows. There's always Asperger's syndrome. But ultimately notice will fall on them, words will be spoken and their new found sense of purpose will suddenly ensue: to be recognized.

Those people that say life isn't fair are overlooking the very significant and obvious fact that the only reason life is not fair is because people choose to make it unfair.

2006-12-16T17:46:00.000-08:00

I got fired from Kerbey yesterday for not showing up to a shift that a manager advised me not to show up to. Everything is perfect.

2006-12-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

Life isn't going too swell right now for me. I just haven't been able to find a job. Not since early November when I started looking again. Technically I've been looking constantly since I arrived. I have reapplied to some of the same jobs 2, even 3 times and nothing has happened. Every day there is a new prospect and by the next day, it's gone. I hate it. People even look for jobs for me out of their generosity and I still come up dry.

I've been employed by 6 places since I moved to Austin in July. I was fired from Halina's, I was hired by BeneFit only to not be needed, I was hired by Bradz, but laid off, I worked a hair show, I delivered paper for The Onion and I work at Kerbey. Twice I lost high paying promotional modeling jobs because I could not get out of my regular work schedule. Every month I barely make it by to pay rent. I either have to borrow $50 here or there to make it on time or I have to ask for an extension. I won't be making the January rent for sure because nobody has called me back. I can still pay my credit card off and try to live off of that for some time again or maybe use it for a cash advance if I do actually decide to stay for the month of January. More than likely I won't. I might not be here after Christmas, maybe even before. I told Matt and he said "You still have to pay the fee to break the lease". Even thinking about that comment makes me guffaw. Like I am going to pay money to someone because I could not afford to live in their unit? Don't make me laugh. I know I won't get my deposit back and I know they will come up with a thousand reasons not to let me go easy. They'll say my blinds are broken is what they'll say. If we're talking about a fee of less than $100, we'll see. If we're talking about a fee of over $100, that's too bad for them. I paid their stupid pet deposit and I couldn't eat because of it.

It's really hard to find a place in the world for you to fit in when it seemed you didn't fit in from the beginning. There are little square peg slots everywhere and everyone has one except me. I'm round and there is no square peg (much less a round one) with my name on it. It's always been that way it seems. Things pertaining to me were never conveniant for anyone, not even family. It's really very hard to get other people, especially people my age, to understand. I've searched far and wide and there so far has been nobody who appreciates anything in my vicinity. A lot of people try to understand, but it's in vain, always. I know there have been certain people who think they did or that they do, but their sympathy is nowhere near empathy and their involvement is little more than a coincidental awareness. I'm not a belly acher who insists their life has been the worst ever lived, but I am completely disaffected by everything else that appears to be affecting the rest of my generation. Whenever the boat left and whichever port it left from, I haven't the foggiest. In all sincerity I do not feel welcome or a part of this generation anymore. They have all gotten up and hurried away in the middle of the night without me. They were very quiet about their plans as not to let on that they would one day be leaving. It was a very big secret that a lot of people were in on. Somehow along the way I figured out this secret, but I was not included in the plans to be carried out and I was certainly not acknowledged as being aware of it.

For all of those people that were speculating about what's been going on with me during the past few months, yes, I am clinically depressed and yes I did consider making an attempt on my life not long ago. I did recieve professional advice, but it is doing very little than keeping me busy and distracting me from my real issues. This week I had to fill out a worksheet from my counselor describing my adult caregivers and role models. It was the most depressing assignment I've ever been given. I can't even look at it as it sits on my kitchen table.

I'm tired of writing because I'm hungry and I am sick of these walls. I have to get out.

2006-11-29T15:13:00.000-08:00

Well my interview was sort of a bust. I know I don't have the job. Once again, I walk in for the scheduled interview, only to fill out another electronic application and be told that the position has been filled at Lancome, but that the Clinique managers would "love" to interview me instead.

First of all, Clinique sucks. They have always sucked. They have the worst skincare system on the planet and their color selection is poor. Packaging is dated and unsophisticated. Needless to say I've never been thrilled to hear that Clinique is hiring. Their interview process (which I have been through in the past) is absurdly intimidating, almost like a hazing ritual. Management is also cold and unfeeling. The interview didn't last 5 minutes and both women were acting as if they had something better to do. I just couldn't tell what was going on. Did the Lancome people make a mistake, or did the Clinique people fool me into an interview? And if so, why were they so unfriendly? Why were they in such a hurry to get me out? I busted my butt preparing my Lancome knowledge last night and then I get slammed with questions about the most overrated line of cosmetics in the high end price range.

I was more depressed by the fact that this is the second time this particular Lancome counter has led me to believe I was being considered for a job. In June they told me I had a full time position, then told me the next week that the position had been filled by someone else. They also ignored my calls and played phone tag with me every day after they said I was hired. Now I get brought in for another interview with the exact same people and they tell me the position is filled again? What the hell is going on there?

And people wonder why I'm so depressed over my jobs.

Jason's Deli To Go spoons cut my cheek every time

2006-11-28T16:35:00.000-08:00

I hope my interview with Macy's goes good tomorrow. I've interviewed with them twice in the pastb 6 months and I've worked for Benefit through them, but I really need regular, permanent employment with them. Part time or full time, I don't care. I already have health insurance and steady employment with Kerbey Lane, so I don't really care what sort of hours I have with Macy's. As long as I'm at a rate of at least $7 hourly and 12 hours a week, I don't care. It's funny because I'm not even enamored with Lancome, but I keep finding ippurtunities to work for them. The more prestigious lines like Chanel and Dior tend to hold on tight to their associates and spoil them. But Lancome is still highly respectable and up to date on the make up trends.

I admit, I would rather be working for Chanel, but I can always transfer amongst Macy's counters - they are flexible. I also hear tell Dior might be returning to Macy's after a long absence. That would flip my lid in a good way. I spent most of September as a freelancer for Benefit and while I loved hat, I understood freelancers are just not always needed. Their products are too fun though! I have the Realness of Concealness kit, Moon Beam, and Nina's Nugget champagne cream shadow, but I would love to have Dr. Feelgood, Get Even powder, Brow Zing, and maybe a few others. I'm sure if I worked for Lancome I would eventually find substitutes for those, but damnit Benefit is so cute! I only hope I'm not too late to get my gratis package if I'm hired. $300 in Lancome at my call? That's damn sweet. If I were more of a fan of their fragrances, I'd take adavantage of that, but I really don't love them. Tresor is probably the only one I'd want, it smells mature and has an art deco bottle. Or perhaps one of their vintage fragrances, like Mille & Une Roses. I just really don't care for Hypnose or Miracle or any of those. Lancome has never been famous for fragrances though.

At this very moment my kitties are snuggling on my bed, necking and licking each other. They are such lesbos.

2006-11-17T23:16:00.001-08:00

So far this month has gone by faster than any other of my life. I don't know why really, nothing unbelievable has happened to me during it. I am just as broke and miserably busy as ever.

You know what's funny about me? Everytime I do something, be it check email, go to work, make an outing to the grocery store, it is always the wrong time. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is at that moment, I am actually supposed to be doing something else. Liken it to pushing the wrong button on one of those electronic baby toys that asks you to press the Cow button, but you were born with an extra chromosome, so you always push the Lamb instead. Everytime I go to work, I get an important phone call or email from another potential employer. Everytime I go to the movies or out to eat, I get notified to do a photoshoot for Sasha. Or I discover I just missed an important opportunity or listing on craigslist because I've been working and going to my counseling sessions for two days straight instead of turning the computer on. Some times people have called me to go to dinner with them and I get the massage the next morning after they've had their dinner and gone to bed. People are like "what do you do all day?" and "you need to get up and get out of the house" while they are also wondering why I have no food in my kitchen and asking what I'm doing out because I "have no money".

And when I say I have no food in my kitchen, that isn't a comical over exaggeration of how frugal I have chosen to be. If you look in my kitchen you will find trash bags, three boxes of Instant Breakfast (no milk present), a jar of mixed berry jam, some butter, a rotten pineapple chunk, Witch Hazel toner, Vitamin E cream, spf15 lotion, an empty bottle of olive oil and a full one of lemon juice. I really don't understand these people that say things like "we need to go shopping" or "let's go out to eat, I'm starved" with a pantry full of ready to cook ingredients.

Also, I can't seem to get simple tasks done. I have been meaning for 2 weeks to get my down mattress topper cleaned at a Laundromat with an industrial size washing machine and I still haven't done it. One day I drove to one and noticed I not only forgot detergent, but I was out of detergent at the house anyway, I didn't have enough quarters, I didn't know how the machine worked and the place had no air conditioning and was filled with old people. I just up and left, then went back home and went to sleep instead. That mattress has been lying over the balcony out front for what feels like an eternity. Also, I never noticed until recently that I haven't unpacked my books and CD's since I've moved in. I have nowhere to put them, so it doesn't really matter. I also have a half dozen or so framed art prints that are still under my bed. Why hang them? This room is ugly either way. Grey carpet and white painted cabinets aren't going to be helped by anything. I can't even use my own tacks. I'm supposed to be using some sort of special picture hanging tabs from the landlords office.

2006-11-17T23:16:00.000-08:00

So far this month has gone by faster than any other of my life. I don't know why really, nothing unbelievable has happened to me during it. I am just as broke and miserably busy as ever.

You know what's funny about me? Everytime I do something, be it check email, go to work, make an outing to the grocery store, it is always the wrong time. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is at that moment, I am actually supposed to be doing something else. Liken it to pushing the wrong button on one of those electronic baby toys that asks you to press the Cow button, but you were born with an extra chromosome, so you always push the Lamb instead. Everytime I go to work, I get an important phone call or email from another potential employer. Everytime I go to the movies or out to eat, I get notified to do a photoshoot for Sasha. Or I discover I just missed an important oppurtunity or listing on craigslist because I've been working and going to my counselling sessions for two days straight instead of turning the computer on. Some times people have called me to go to dinner with them and I get the massage the next morning after they've had their dinner and gone to bed. People are like "what do you do all day?" and "you need to get up and get out of the house" while they are also wondering why I have no food in my kitchen and asking what I'm doing out because I "have no money".

And when I say I have no food in my kitchen, that isn't a comical over exxageration of how frugal I have chosen to be. If you look in my kitchen you will find trash bags, three boxes of Instant Breakfast (no milk present), a jar of mixed berry jam, some butter, a rotten pineapple chunk, Witch Hazel toner, Vitamin E cream, spf15 lotion, an empty bottle of olive oil and a full one of lemon juice. I really don't understand these people that say things like "we need to go shopping" or "let's go out to eat, I'm starved" with a pantry full of ready to cook ingredients.

Also, I can't seem to get simple tasks done. I have been meaning for 2 weeks to get my down mattress topper cleaned at a laundramat with an industrial size washing machine and I still haven't done it. One day I drove to one and noticed I not only forgot detergent, but I was out of detergent at the house anyway, I didn't have enough quarters, I didn't know how the machine worked and the place had no air conditioning and was filled with old people. I just up and left, then went back home and went to sleep instead. That mattress has been lying over the balcony out front for what feels like an eternity. Also, I never noticed until recently that I haven't unpacked my books and CD's since I've moved in. I have nowhere to put them, so it doesn't really matter. I also have a half dozen or so framed art prints that are still under my bed. Why hang them? This room is ugly either way. Grey carpet and white painted cabinets aren't going to be helped by anything. I can't even use my own tacks. I'm supposed to be using some sort of special picture hanging tabs from the landlords office.

Things I got for ma burfday...

2006-11-07T20:18:00.000-08:00

* Dinner at Chili's and an El Nino margarita
* A bottle of sweet, sweet white wine
* Marilyn Monroe vintage style tin sign
* Me First & The Gimme Gimmes Love Their Country
* LAMB spaghetti strap tank
* Trivial Pursuit 80's Edition
* Leopard flats
* Gold charm bracelet
* Small brown quilted satchel tote
* Thermal knit lounging shorts
* Decorative toiletry miscellany

And I still plan on getting some furniture with my leftover birthday cash.

2006-10-30T02:11:00.000-08:00

Sasha wants us to redo the old Marilyn look we made a few months back. I think we should try something more in the mode of the mid 50's during the marriage to Dimaggio/filming Seven Year Itch. The original session we did was more late 50's marriage to Miller/filming Some Like It Hot. Considering my hair is short now and hers was at its shortest then, I think that period of style would be ideal to recapture. There's a series of Bert Stern photographs from '62 where he has her toying with pearls lying on a surface coated in glitter. Some pics have her fooling with Pucci scarves as well. I'll suggest to Sasha that we try to emulate that particular session once my hair grows a bit more and I can achieve that Happy Birthday Mr. President flip and lighten the current shade from cornsilk back to platinum. In the meantime with the short hair, we should probably look more to the Milton Green sessions for inspiration.

At my last go round with Sophia, we discussed an inability to accept compliments, generosity and gestures of kindness and how to quell that. She insists that I simply don't love myself and that it has stemmed from a history of accepting unrequited criticism and conceding guilt from authority figures that have played the roles of despots and not nurturers. I came to some of these conclusions myself, but never before did it actually resonate with me that I have no love for myself. That, she discovered, is the real reason I anticipate so much affection and solicitude from outside sources and expect none from myself. Without the notion that you yourself can provide personal appreciation for your own good, you cling to anyone that you feel should love you unconditionally.

I have to make the effort to acknowledge my own self worth before I expect others to do the same. I only recently got used to the idea of liking myself. How I'm going to love, respect and put trust in myself, I haven't the first clue. The concept is so abstract, I don't understand how anyone exercises it. I am introverted in my thoughts, but I project the practice of concepts outwardly. I am capable of loving others, but because I don't turn protective emotions and feelings of doting inwardly, I only think another's devotion will complete me and make me whole. I really need to devote to myself. The impression that I'm inferior, incapable of succeeding, finishing or even attempting has crippled my natural ability to feel worthy of...well, anything. It's a huge lack of discipline that has created a life threatening mental block.

If I don't remove that block, I could very well squash my ability to function. That ability is already on my endangered list.

Cheap Halloween makeup hurts my eyes

2006-10-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I was in the middle of a truly inspired blog post when the power went out and forced me to go to bed. So now I no longer remember what it was I had written about. All I know for sure is that it was damn good.

I want to say it was about the statement "If you can't beat em, join em" and how really and truly indolent I find that advice to be. Why would you join them? It would be like saying they are better than you to begin with and to resist is in vain. It's really a declaration of your own weakness and not of your ability to equate yourself to another. People probably want to believe that it stands for compromise for their own comfort, but that's not at all a positive reaction to hostility. It's a shabby decision to make that is mistaken for a good one. I may be Polish in name, but I am also half German. Trust me when I say there is no reason to fold and crumble just because someone is advantaged and more aggressive, because the aggressive and advantaged are just looking for an excuse to fill in the gaps of their own shortcomings by exploiting those of others or creating some that were never there to begin with.

On second thought, that was what I had written about. Well doesn't that just make your day?

I don't patronize bunny rabbits

2006-10-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

I got laid off from Bradz and I although I'm a little peeved, I am not feeling like I lost the best job ever. It was boring and unrewarding. I won't lie. Why do I think applying at an Aveda Lifestyles store in Highland Mall will be any different? I don't know. All I do know is that I can probably get it.

I wonder what's wrong with this country. At my last session my counselor decided we should focus on my basic health issues and to find some professional healthcare at a no or low cost sliding scale, similar to the kind she gives me. She's employed by Life Works which is supported by the United Way, the government and public donations, so she has connections to all the public healthcare services. I have no insurance, so my only option for womens healthcare is a check up with Planned Parenthood and my only option for a psychiatric evaluation is an appointment with Psychiatric Emergency Services. PP is supposed to provide a standard Well Woman check up to anyone without insurance at a sliding scale fee based on your income and a free one to any minor. They also have to provide a discount prescription to anyone without drug coverage who comes in needing one - that is, they once had to. We called them together and they told us they no longer recieve funding, so all free or low cost services have been eliminated. It would now cost me a base fee of $100 an appointment and the drug would still come at the manufacturers price, not the former PP discount - low cost sliding scale can now only apply to the parents of minors who once had to pay nothing. Also the waiting list to get in with PES is about two months. Let me reiterate that: the waiting list to get an evaluation from the Psychiatric Emergency Services of Austin is two months. Your only option is to show up in person at the 24 hour clinic and wait for a cancellation which could take several hours.

So in this country, in the year 2006, a working single adult is ineligable for a basic check up or affordable prescription at low or no cost. And the one place someone can physically go to reach out and speak with a healthcare professional at now or low cost so that they cannot inflict harm on themselves or others is understaffed to the point of being closed off to the public. The counselors mind was boggled.

She just sat there with her face in her hands.

I wish I could be a slut

2006-10-22T01:32:00.000-07:00

Things would be so much easier if I were. To be promiscuous would mean I wouldn't have to value anything like intimacy, emotional connections, or the future. I'd have no relationship problems and nothing would ever conflict with my current life situation. Everything would be so convenient. It would just be like "Hey, I am looking for someone to pretend they care about me for 2 hours and you look like the perfect candidate! Would you be so kind as to pretend we are boyfriend and girlfriend and sweat Mikes Hard Lemonade all over me?"

Then I could gather round a sidewalk cafe table with my 3 best friends and gab about how flawed my partner was and make lackluster puns about fornication, but not before I remark on how fantastic my five hundred dollar shoes are. Oh wait, no. I am not one dimensional and I actually have a soul.

So if I am not a slut, how do I make convenient and available a fine, premeditated intimacy with a member of the opposite sex? I find the act of flirting or making complimentary conversation with strangers off putting and stifling to my personality. It's kind of stupid when you think about it. Sluts should just be honest, both male and female. And what's the logic behind cruising for ready and willing genitalia in crowded places where people drink and eat? What are you expecting? Not to get VD?!? Don't act surprised when you notice that burning sensation. You knew that person was easy. Climb all the rocks and play all the beach volleyball you want, we're all aware that your treatment is not going to prevent the spread to others and there is no way you're going to find a life partner who enjoys the idea of sharing crotch rot with you.

In fact, screw all sluts. I enjoy not getting any.

2006-10-19T18:31:00.000-07:00

I got another job distributing The Onion paper to the UT campus area every Thursday. I am quite proud. I hope to keep satire and a love of false news in the Central Austin area for years to come.

I discovered the dryer didn't work after I washed 2 loads of clothes. Thank you Waugh Properties. Also, thank you for not showing up to the office all week after I dropped off my check for the other half of my rent on Sunday. Really nice of you considering you're the ones that need it by a deadline.

Yesterday I watched the Project Runway season finale with Tiff and Claire. We had pizza and soda and popcorn...you know, health food. The Mensa chairmen at Papa John's gave us the wrong order - a canadian bacon and half pepperoni/cheese pizza in place of a pepperoni and half pineapple/cheese pizza - so we gave the mistakes to the sexy boy next door. Cute for a red head dude. Not a ginger, but a definate natural red head.

Right now I am reinstalling AIM on my computer and making elouai.com dolls for my friends. Mostly the friends I miss - Houston crew I'm looking your way. After that I need to go to Kerbey I suppose to start my night shift. I hope tonight's not too busy. I have counseling at noon tomorrow, but I think I'll get a good nap in before that. I slept like a brick yesterday after my pedicure with Jackie. I need to get pedicures more often, they're like sleeping pills. With my counseling tomorrow I'm hoping to work out some more structured systems to keep me going day to day. I work really hard and am losing a lot of time and sleep and sanity trying to get things to the point where I don't have to think of them 24/7 and still be in control. I'm trying my best to be in control, but it's so difficult. Sometimes I feel like I'll be fine, when all of a sudden I am grasping for dependance on somebody else. There are days when I feel completely abandoned. Other days I feel like someone is right around the corner. Emotional is the hardest kind of independance to rebuild.

All I want for my birthday is money to pay bills

2006-10-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

I just got back form another one of Sashaa photoshoots and I must say....I look good as a brunette. Not to be vain, but dayamn, brunettes must have more fun. I didn't get a color change, just a wig. We were doing an "aloof Cleopatra as portrayed by Liz Taylor" look and it was really really fun. I think I have 2 pounds worth of MAC Pigment on. But no worries, it's all for the sake of art.

If I were a brunette I would so rock that hair everyday. I envy them. Janet has the best natural brunette hair I know. I would want it like hers. Also people take brunettes more seriously. I don't know why, I've met many a dumb brunette and how many dumb blondes are actually blonde? The answer is: very few.

But come to think of it, being blonde has a real advantage in that area. People can think you're harmless and incapable more easily giving you the ppurtunity to catch them off guard. Hearing tapes of Marilyn Monroe talk about Frued and Kafka is way more amazing than hearing Jessica Simpson talk about...well anything.

A revelation can be a very powerful thing

2006-10-07T01:14:00.000-07:00

I suppose you only have one a very select number of times in your life. It's a good thing too because if you had them all the time, you wouldn't really be able to appreciate their precedence or their value.

Sometimes people brag about them and sometimes people are too ashamed to admit they've even had one, especially if it's a revelation about something they've been wrong about all along. I was kidding myself for a long time thinking that my work had been in vain. Only recently did I stumble across the revelation (there's that word again!) that it hadn't been and would only be if I allowed it. People are in control of their own lives more than they think. The mentality that we aren't is just a classic situation of vulnerable people blaming outside forces and reacting rather than taking a proactive approach to the world surrounding us. I really do feel the utmost empathy for anyone who lives in that sort of box because I used to be one of them. I had a box of my own. It was finely furnished and meticulously decorated.

I came upon two realizations. The first was that I am not a self assumed victim of imaginary circumstance and I can in fact find fault in what effects me. The second is that I can do something about it! I don't need to live in fear and trump up this feeling of insecurity. I don't even have to allow people to do it to me either! You think there are these big scary monsters that are all out to get you and that you have to create barriers to establish between you and these monsters - even if you have to hide between other peoples already erected barriers. Then later you feel you have to become one of them, hoping that they can somehow initiate you into a monsters paradise and you too can be doing exactly what they've always done. And then finally, it hits you like a sack of bricks - you can turn the tables and give them their very own set of monsters. Sometimes you have to feign being one, sometimes you even have to pretend you're truly afraid. But never do you ever have to compromise your own sense of self worth in order to appease or submit.

I just learn and learn more about these monsters. I always thought I was insane for believing and nurturing the fear I had built for them. Now I know that I don't have to fear them, but I also know that I was never insane or ridiculous for accepting that fear. I only know that there were also barriers absent that were not my responsibility and those should have been up. Why they weren't up, I cannot say and I cannot hold a grudge against anyone for not building them. Do I think someone is still responsible for some of them? Yes I do. Afterall no man is an island and to believe he is is to believe that no outside force has ever protected him from the elements. Along with this self actualizing revelation came revelations about other people. People who maybe could have been fighting their own monsters, but weren't. Or people who could have helped these revelations come to you along the way, but didn't. Nothing can be done about the past, but a lot can be done about the future.

I don't know about anyone else, but my future is my responsibility and I don't need monsters scaring me away from it. I also don't need to be an island and I most certainly don't deserve to feel shame and guilt for turning on my monsters. Calling on the help of others to fight some off isn't a disgrace either.

2006-10-03T20:06:00.000-07:00

I need to get my official 'recently single' haircut because...well let's face it, there is no point in becoming recently single if you don't obtain a cheeky new hairstyle to go with it.

I was thinking of the pixie or a classic bob. It's tough because a bob is in style right now and has served me well in the past. On the other hand a pixie is more refractory. The brisk framework of it can also better erase the last experimental haircut I had done for Farouk which grew out almost immediately and became rather deconstructed. But a bob is so timeless....

Damnit I hate hair decisions. It's a good thing it's free from Bradz and can be adjusted with no problem, otherwise I'd really be scratching my head over it. It would have to be free wouldn't it? Because I am broke like a bitch. I just paid half of my rent (Yes, I typed right. Half.) and am basically just playing the waiting game for my next check. I don't understand how I have 3 places of employment and am being paid the beans that I am. I can't believe the lack of hours I have. I sit around with nothing to do half of the time just waiting for someone to need me in some way.

And why did the girl from our sister salon get fired? They told her they don't need to give her a reason. Whatever. She was mysteriously replaced the same morning by some girl who they feel is allowed to close all by herself on her first day at the job. Gee, that doesn't sound suspicious. Looks like someones girlfriend/daughter/best friend/fuck buddy needed the job more.

God nepotism makes me sick.

"Well at least I'm not some fuckin loser who works in a video store!"

2006-10-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

Last night while I was waiting to meet Claire at I Love Video, I walked in as some grizzled man was blabbing this to the clerk. It took a lot of my power not to lollers, but dayamn, what problem can you have at a video store that is so upsetting? And why are people always taking shit out on clerks? They didn't write the store policy.

The best is when someone says "I'm taking this to the better business bureau". You know what happens when you take it to the better business bureau? They listen, nod their heads politely and "put the report on file". Then they proceed to do absolutely nothing. You know why? Because the better business bureau knows what each individual businesses policy is and who is registered as a member. There is positivley no loophole they can provide that allows you to get your way against a company policy. The only loophole you can ever hope for is if the owner or MOD designated to handle the policy decides to override it.

So to reitterate, arguing with customer service anywhere = no gain. And don't even imagine that the person serving you is trying to look out for your best interests and make sure that you are coming out right in the end. He is looking out for an easy and profitable job that he can keep. The louder and more indignant you became, the more concerned for his job he becomes.

Well we rented V for Vendetta so that Claire could enjoy its many shining qualities and we rented The Libertine out of morbid curiosity. Well I've already seen V and I've reviewed it in a past post, but I must describe The Libertine with as much colorfully hate flled language as possible. First off, Johnny Depp is at his worst. Basically he is playing Jack Sparrow as a slut. He's not even trying to un-fop the foppiness of his popularly effeminate pirate character. He just does the same swagger and the same accent. There are also some tits and that sounds like it should make any movie whole, but the majority of the film was just forgetable rubbish. Long, boring, awkward conversations, clumsy sexual encounters that feel more forced than erotic and lots of oily tramps in push up corsets. It was just like the Texas Ren Fair only I have a feeling that strumpets and Syphillis ravaged pervs from the reign of King Charles bathed more than Ren Fair cast members.

Long story short: he's the sex crazed Earl who puts on a naughty play for the French at the request of King Charles, but ends up making it garish and tasteless, so he ends up on the run from the law and his face is eaten alive by The Syph. There's also a tacked on love plot that wasn't even worth following. The only positive thing I carried away from this film was my new favorite insult of 'greasy whore'.

** out of ****

2006-09-26T11:30:00.001-07:00

Do you ever get the feeling you'll never actually be happy?

Is anyone hiring?

2006-08-31T16:56:00.000-07:00

I guess I should post another photo shoot session seeing as nothing else exciting happened to me recently. I did one for Sasha this time as Jean Harlow in a faux 1930's Hollywood publicity shoot style. Considering what little we had to work with, I think she did great, once again. She really enjoys working with me and I with her. I most definately wouldn't mind using her portraits in my portfolio.

www.lemaystudio.net

Oh yes, I did see X with The Rollins Band and The Riverboat Gamblers yesterday! It was muy caliente, but the show was outstanding and totally worth it. Matt flipped his wig for it.

Hope to see most of yall at the Labor Day picnic! I'll bring a delicious and healthful vegetable of some description.

Watch Matalocalypse, Sundays on Adult Swim

2006-08-15T09:28:00.001-07:00

So I haven't updated in over 2 months apparently. A lot has changed for me since then as I've been mad busy moving, getting jobs sorted out and re-sorted out. I've also lost some weight which was weird because I didn't notice and I've got no idea what I'm doing next week or the week after that.

I left Houston in June, shacked up in Roans prairie out side Navasota/Anderson with my parents and moved permanently to Austin in mid July. I lost employment with Alamo, but gained employment with a salon and day spa, then lost hours there while gaining a small amount of hours as a freelancer with BeneFit for Macy's. Now I don't have a steady income and am still browsing while keeping time open for freelancing and possible return to community theatre or a fresh start in low budget Austin filming or modeling.

I already had my first modeling gig with an independent hairstylist named Sasha from the old USSR. She's fantastic and darling and great conversation. But best of all, she treats me like a Barbie doll. You remember the ones that came with little plastic scissors and hair extensions and mini hot roll curlers? Would it be too backwards of me to say, I've always wanted to be that Barbie, but didn't know it?

Anyway, check it out for good measure (promised I'd expose her website a bit more)www.lemaystudio.net

This smoothie is delicious!

2006-05-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

I was checking for openings in Austin and there are a few places hiring that are right up my alley, but they require fax contact only. That really dices my garlic. Why is it assumed everyone has a fax connection? I hate faxing anyway. It's dated. Why is it any better than email I ask you? Thank your too good to get my resume through G-Mail you sons of bitches?

Ok that's over.

And in case you are wondering what is in this fantastic smoothie, it's 2 cups of Fruit On The Bottom Dannon yogurt (peach), 1/2 cup of milk, 1 cup of chopped ice and 1 sliced banana.

Reloading all your music back to iTunes for a second time is the perfect way to spend a day

2006-04-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

It's good to get gift cards just for showing up at a voluntary employee seminar and to get kudos for being the only person in Katy at the showing of Troop Beverly Hills.

Actually it's pretty sad. I don't know how Alamo's corporate feels about our performance or how it reflects on the community, but management is starting to get pretty discouraged over the way things have launched. It's not all their fault, if there were more focus on advertising at the marketing and PR departments end, we wouldn't have this sort of problem. Unfortunately there's not much that can be done.

I feel a certain illness deep in my gut whenever I see plugs for new 7th Heaven episodes that are subtitled Countdown To Goodbye. More like "Countdown to get the fuck off TV you dragged out sanctimonious preaching tripe that should have been cancelled years ago". So your spoiled white 18 year old is having premarital sex - oh waaaaah, how long can you center a soap opera around that premise? Why don't you do an episode where Jessica Beil gets an abortion, goes lesbian with a black chick and buys a foreign hybrid?

DVR is so fucking awesome!

2006-04-28T00:31:00.000-07:00

Now I can record all the obscure, forgettable, politically incorrect sex romp comedies from the 1950's I want! God bless you TCM.

And if the caffeine pill episode of Saved By The Bell ever comes back on, it's going on that machine faster than you can say Elizabeth Berkley. Same goes for Zack Attack.

For some reason we're getting Thank You For Smoking this weekend. Hasn't that been out for 2 or 3 weeks people? Prove I'm not crazy. Or that the management is collectively suffering from ADD. We'll have to also carry RV, but at least we won't be seeing anymore of that dreadful Take The Lead, or the epic week long flacid sales of Lucky Number Slevin. Why no soul came to see that movie, I will never know. I didn't even hear bad things.

And this just in! Every human being that pays to watch Scary Movie 4 (especially after 10PM) is a rude, horribly mannered, poorly tipping douchesack that deserves to fall flat on their zit coated, crusty weaved, unaccredited vocational nursing school face while climbing up our badly lit, terribly odored sloping theater carpet.

Friiieeeeeends forevaaaaaa!

2006-04-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

Why were there 2 senior years on Saved By The Bell? One of those mysteries I'll never know the answer to.

I saw one of the babies and it looked at me

2006-04-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

After watching Silent Hill and subsequently working it, I really, really have lost all faith in the ability of hollywood to take anything not entirely theirs and keep it in the correct context. How can you fuck up the plot of a video game? What direction do you constantly think you have to be going in to make something more familiar and less challenging in scope to the average retard audience? Anyone else who saw it, can you explain to me why or how hollywood comes to these conclusions?

To be honest, the first 45 minutes were a gas and headed in the best direction I felt the plot could go in considering the source material. But why or when did it become nescessary to exploit and rehash the same god awful Japanese Horror fueld theme of demonic children wanting love? And most all the dialogue towards the end, what was all that shit? "Right now I am the darker part of Alessa." - what the fuck? Were you a demon or what? Was Alessa a demon? Was her mother a demon? Was Sharon a demon conjured up by Alessa? It's like they felt the sequence of events was getting too heavy and needed to begin a long winded wrap up that would oversimplify things, but still explain very little that had happened up until then. And to make it forebodingly familiar to the easily challenged movie going youth, it turns out it was a creepy little girl aaaallll aloooong. Thanks movie.

But Pyramid Head skin ripping was pretty fucking awesome.

**1/2 out of ****

2006-04-16T04:04:00.000-07:00

Yay! I get to see ma baby! :) :) :)

Three smiles means I'm extra giddy. If

I watched Life of Brian for the first time all the way through and was delighted. Not as many people showed up for the screening as I hoped. Fight Club was at least twice as crowded and in a much smaller theater. Oh well, I blame West Oaks for showing the same film tomorrow afternoon. Copycats.

Mister Sinus is *gasp* coming to West Okas and I'm totally shicked and stoked. They're showing Flashdance, which I hear is an alright performance - not one of thier betters. But oh man, I am counting the days until Showgirls....

Nobody tosses a Dwarf!

2006-04-14T19:39:00.000-07:00

I am watching Fellowship of The Ring and realized how unintentionally comical much of the fighting scenes are with Hobbits. Hilarious is the constipated look on Elijah Woods face everytime he gets shanked. And Aragorn is such a bastard.

Pippi is napping on my legs as I type and ish adowable. I wanted to go to Austin this weekend since I'm getting some time off, but alas, tis not meant to be. I'll have to settle for making my own spaghetti on a Friday night and watching Lord of The Rings. Maybe I'll pop in King Kong or an MST later and make an mspaint for GBS.

Celebrating the best years of my life ladies and gentleman.

Zack! Zack! He's a Lego maniac!

2006-04-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

I love it when my brother pulls out the tupperware box of Legos and we all gather 'round, angrily shoveling our way through the pile to find that one special peice that will complete the pirate ship manned by cowboy knights. Takes us back. It's our favorite way to bond when the girls aren't calling him and everyone I know is doing homework.

I'm not on the schedule this weekend because I forgot to turn in my signature for the new employee handbook policy by Tuesday. I'm not mad because it's not like I'm hurting for the cash this week. But I do plan on being bored out of my skull. Ironically, it would be a good time to see a movie. I don't have to work Life of Brian! Ha! Take that management.

So if anyone wants to chillax, see a movie, pig out or something, give me a ring this weekend and maybe we'll get wasted. Or maybe I'll visit Matt for a few days.

Either way I'll have just enough time to waste.

Thanks Geritol

2006-04-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

I'm pullin' down mad cash at the Alamo.

Fight Club was lots of fun on Saturday. I had never seen it and I was glad to watch it for the first time on a big screen. We all got free soap for attending and hilarious airplane evacuation instruction manuals identical to the ones in the film - only ironically violent and realistic.

Today I ran some little errands and went shopping for the first time in what feels like....months? Just got some summer tops and a little wicker grandma purse. Granny chic is my favorite chic. Somehow it always works. Oversized costume earrings, metallic bags, flats, it's all so kitchy coo. I'd like to divide granny chic into four respectable categories, each named after one of the four fabulous Golden Girls.

Sophia "Classic Granny" - Estelle Getty is the Godfather of old ladies. This is who we should all aspire to be as geriatrics. Smart mouthed, near sighted and possessing an entire wardrobe of year round sweaters. Glasses aren't complete unless heald on by gold chain spec clips and the only purses we carry should be straw or wicker.
Hottest Accessory: Knitting needles

Dorothy "Granny Sophisticate" - Who doesn't love Bea Arthur? Star, icon, legend...is there any title she can't take? Yes. The title of badly dressed. Who can't appreciate the combination of four inch wide Chanel logo earrings and shoulder pads that could smother a small child? Tasteless fools, that's who. Bonus points for the greatest shade of silver any head has ever sported.
Hottest Accessory: Quilted shoulder bag

Rose "Conservative Granny" - Rose is my favorite Golden Girl. I like the idea of a senior citizen who still operates in the manner of an A.D.D. child. In her conventionally pleasent lineup of orthopedic trainers, sweatpants and fanny packs, Rose evokes the typical out and about geriatric shopping for the grandkids on a stroll through the mall, only more affable and less complacently hateful.
Hottest Accessory: Pastel visor

Blanche "Granny Hoochie" - If there's anyone that can entirely suit the definition of Granny Hoochie, it's Rue McClanahan. In an enticing designer wardrobe consisting of metallic kitten heals and whispy silk house dresses cut to the breast plate (down girl!), she's every bit as fiery and bewitching as a modern day Rita Hayworth....if Rita Hayworth collected social security and took Geritol.
Hottest Accessory: Lack of inhibition

Take The Lead is gayer than the San Francisco stop of Chers farewell tour

2006-04-08T00:27:00.000-07:00

We really aren't the good Alamo.

I hate having to work the shittiest and simultaneously busiest film on a Friday. It's bad enough we didn't get anything fun like Stay Alive, or Thank You For Smoking. Because we're new we have to take crap. How's this for a pitiful lineup to chose from: Ice Age 2 (tiresome), Take The Lead (mincingly banal), The Benchwarmers (insipid), Failure To Launch (irritating and attracts morons), Slither (funny, but who's watching?), V For Vendetta (rocking) and Inside Man (great). That makes for about 2 worthwhile films, one tolerable and 4 utter travesties. It's a good thing we were quickly done with Larry The Cable Guy and She's The Man, because those were some dry 2 weeks. Shaggy Dog didn't stay long either. But I suppose it could be worse....we could be showing Phat Girlz or Basic Instinct 2.

I only pray we don't have to take Scary Movie 4 or The Wild. Something tells me we're going to end up with one or both of those and possibly RV. I can handle having to deal with crap no one will see, but if it takes the place of Silent hill or American Dreamz, I'll be peeved. I already know we won't get The Notorious Bettie Page, Hard Candy or Art School Confidential. I guess we're not good enough for that level of prestige.

We really are the shitty Alamo. I never thought I'd see the day that West Oaks would surpass any other theater in distinction.

2006-04-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

I am watching Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning and wondering why exactly this was made. What was the point in such an unnecessary 3rd sequal to such an unprecedented movie and it's equally unnecessary 2nd sequal? I love the original, but I truly feel this second installment only exists for the purposes of putting Katharine Isabelle in a lusty wench wardrobe. Now don't get me wrong, Katharine Isabelle is hot stuff - I just don't see the point in taking 20th century characters and timewarping them into the 19th century (which looks a lot more like the 17th if you ask me) for no apparent reason.

But it really doesn't matter because everyone loves Werewolves. And yes, even Warwilfs.

I keep reading scathing articles and seeing pictures of The Lord of The Rings musical and everytime I do, I wish more and more that I lived in Toronto and had nothing better to do. Not since Starlight Express or Carrie The Musical have I heard of such a bombastic crap farce. You have to contemplate it for a couple of seconds to appreciate the madness.....Lord of The Rings in a musical form. On stage. With actors playing Hobbits and Dwarves standing on lowered stage platforms to appear short. Gollum singing. Ballads.

Everything about it makes me want to shill out $19.95 for a soundtrack and enjoy it the way I enjoy Vices Do's & Dont's, or a documentary about American Neo Nazis.

My parents home is probably going to be bought by our next door neighbor and his expanding family. In fact I'm 99.9% sure. They've just closed on the home in Grimes and this weekend they've already begun moving small items over and I don't know how soon they'll ask me to be out. Of course they really aren't making me leave, I am invited to stay in Grimes, only I don't know why I would want to throw everything away there. Within 2 months it's possible I could transfer to an Austin Alamo based on my income predictions. It's finding shelter here and there that presents the largest problem.

Matt? Feel like taking on a roomate? I can clean really well and I don't snore! I also make a mean nacho plate and mix Mimosas awfully well.

This is more exciting than Andrew Carver coming to town!

2006-04-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.originalalamo.com/downtown/frames.asp?b=/online_tix/show_details.asp?show_id=3609

It's like my entire existance has been building up to this one event.

I am nagging to get this at Mason before Jerm, Owen and John decide they hate Houston again.

2006-04-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

I need to take only one more test this Thursday and I'll be good to go. Finally I'll reach full server status and be eligable to recieve my tips and transfer. I was told I had done so well I wouldn't need a standard 4th day for trainers observation and could begin this Friday. It's lame, but I am excited to be earning cash on a personal level. After years of hourly wages and meeting unreasonable quotas with no reward or bonus, I finally get to prove my earning power on a personal level.

One interesting thing about waiting in theaters is that you can easily peice together a film by watching bits here and there and determine how much you hate or love it. With that in mind, I will say tht Inside Man is excellent and filled with intrigue, peppered by sharp writing. Ice Age is tiresome, a rehash of cutesy "we're trying to make adults laugh too" computer animation cliches and is voiced by an untalented cast of obnoxious psuedo celebrities and "comedians".

I miss writing satirical plays with Lori. I've been thinking more and more about attempting to script on my own, but it's hard to do when I don't have a second mind to collaborate with. There's always something slightly better I am missing that she always has to add. We had a masterpeice with our Lifetime movie of the week spoof Window of Payne, but never finished writing Say Uncle, our Rom Com about loan sharks.

Up next I want to pen my ode to modern wave college feminism in the form of a man hating, abstract melodrama featuring a Georgia O'Keefe mural backdrop.

Buy my belt buckles!

2006-04-03T00:35:00.000-07:00

It's funny because I really don't like Roger Miret and the Disasters more than any other band I've paid to see - they are simply just the most opening band of all time. If there is an Epitaph or Hellcat tour of some description going on, The Disasters will be there. This May if I go to see The Business once again, I will be seeing The Disasters for a record 6th time. They've opened for a majority of shows that I have watched and never have I intentionally bought a ticket with the anticipation of seeing Roger Miret and his sweating, shirtless posse. They're sets are like a mediocre rerun of Friends that you're tired of, but you know every joke, so you watch it every time it comes across while you're flipping channels.

It will also count as Matts 5th time if he attends this show and we now have a wager going: the first one of us to end up watching them 10 times has to buy the notorious souveneir belt buckle Miret pushes at every show. It's ugly, stupid and not at all a wise purchase....poor band just orders too many and tries in vain to sell every last one of them during each stop on each tour. They plug them during the set.

After a 7th show, Matt will agree to buy one of those hideous bandanas the drummer always wears - for comedy purposes only. I hate guys in bandanas. Did you ever notice how any guy wearing a bandana over his hair and a silver ball chain necklace with no shirt is 99% douchebag by default? The score rounds to a complete 100% if he's wearing wrap around shades.

The same week of said show, I will also be seeing The Epoxies and The Phenomenauts for good measure. I miss The Phenomenauts, they are so adorable. Like The Aquabats, only less spandex.

Gimme back my blue blanky!

2006-04-01T14:53:00.000-08:00

I must be sick because I feel sore and tired like I've been beaten up for my lunch money. And I'm stuffy, but I've been stuffy for about 4 weeks. I'm also sleepy.

Yesterday I started my server training and worked for an unreasonable 9 hours. I blame the trainer - there's no reason he couldn't have worked faster and made more effort to get out on time. The 12pm shift shouldn't go to 10 pm and I think he was just too desperate for money to ask to be dropped. I didn't care because it wasn't like I was getting his tips - although it would have been really friendly of him to give me a cut seeing as I helped to bus and wait on half his tables.

I also finally realized after serving Ice Age 2 how bad of an idea it is to let children into the theater and why we do have that rule. I don't know why humanity still has not picked up on the fact that kids don't finish anything. It could be their favorite food in their favorite restaraunt. They aren't going to finish it, especially if a movie is on. They are going to take several bites, manage to get it everywhere but in their mouth and leave their sucker parents to pay out the ass for it while we pick up entire pizza slices and chicken fingers. Do these parents know how stupid their own kids think they are, not to mention other rational human adults?

The first one of my friends to squeeze out a crotch dropling will have the honor of being the first friend I've ever had to drop out of need to protect my own sanity and reputation. No offense, it's just that I care more about how other peoples kids ruin innocent bystanders lives than my own friendship. It's really quite selfless and large of me! But don't worry - in the long run, you'll be more sorry than I.

Mmmmm mmm! That is a tasty burger!

2006-03-29T22:38:00.000-08:00

My bosses are all really happy with my performance, or so they say. So they've asked me to begin server training this weekend! Huzzah! I've been wanting for a largely tip based income occupation for a while because...well...I charm people. Tips were not allowed for Flight Attendants and discouraged by the airline - I made $25 in tips on one trip. I didn't even have to wear flare!

My hours should double and my daily take home should kick complete ass. Just what I need considering I got my first runners paycheck today and I'm quite unimpressed. Tip share was rather unsavory as well.

My parents fired their realtor today in favor of the original realtor who sold our first home and I can't say I blame them. The house has been on the market since September and I think I can count the number of perspective consumers who've come to see it on my fingers. I was considering asking them if any profit they plan on making could help me with moving costs or classes for ACC or a possible mini mester at Cy-Fair, but because I think they've already placed their downpayment on the home they financed in Grimes, I'm pretty sure I'll just get yelled at.

Considering my parents, regardless of the money they have, they'll still yell.

I've been drunk for a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in the library

2006-03-28T20:40:00.000-08:00

My plans to go walking were spoiled by rain. Curse you rain! Instead I went to the library to entertain my brain and was again reminded of what's wrong with Cypress Fairbanks.

Now I don't know about the libraries in UT or around Austin and I haven't been for years to the old Katherine Tyra library on Clay that I grew up with. But by golly the people who go to Cy Fair public library are the loudest, rudest most obnoxious library patrons ever. The worst area is the second story fiction area where adults go to ESL classes and feel the need to take every last one of their children with them and let them run around through the aisles and amongst the sudy tables and lounging chairs screechign like banshees. Equally as annoying is employees who stand 4 feet from you while you are obviously reading to have an outdoor volume conversation about whatever and students who park in the lounge chairs and tables to do the same things, but even louder.

It's a library you suburban ghouls. If you want a place to sit and talk, walk right over to the cyber cafe on the first floor or find a festering Starbucks patio chair to not remove your ass from. I would recommend you go to one of the fast food joints up the street, but they have loiteirng rules for anyone who sits after having finished eating.

I wan' ta be a woman and have bewbies and baybies.

2006-03-27T23:12:00.000-08:00

I was really happy to see that Senate did in fact, just alter the Congress approved immigration reform bill and subsequently dissolve the attachments that would make illegal immigrants felons, as well as the aspects punishing citizens (including church groups - wtf?) for participating in immigrant assistance. This also is good news for legal immigrants who will not be threatened with the same legal actions at first recommended for illegal aliens. Still, it did pass Congress with those proposals.

Pretty fucked up shit there Congress. Speaking of which, how long did it take you to get your Green Card Matt? Was it 6 years, more or less? I'm curious because I recall that under the new proposition, it could take at least 6 years of work in the US to apply for a Green Card or for your family to apply for one. I'm interested to see if that was a significant change from what what previously the norm. Also I can't tell how it differs for people on a work Visa.

I saw Kicking Bird this evening at Alamo with Janet. It was an independant film made by someone whom I thought was a Texas film maker, but is in fact from Oregon and shot his film there. He's touring it through Austin next, so if it shows up, just letting you Austin bloggers know it is a fairly good free film. I liked the lead actor, but I hated the kid that played his best friends. And though the movie wans't bad (considering it cost $6,000) I did enjoy his short documentary films considerably more. I enjoy real life experience interviews and human interest stories, especially when it's about consumer outrage or corrupt authority. Consumer outrage is always funny.

On a final note, if I have to see a preview for another computer animated abomination about talking animals going on some insipid adventure, I am going to puke. I'm sick of computer animation in general, but this exact genre makes me want to stick a spoon down my throat and vomit up everything I've eaten in the last 24 hours.

Welcome to Blogger friend Lori!

2006-03-26T14:44:00.000-08:00

Now I realised why I like this Blogger as opposed to other "blogs". Blogspot doesn't bog my computer down with stupid blinky graphics and pictures of peoples illegitimate kids.

Matt told me today about the Bill which just passed Congress. The one stating that any immigrant - legal or illegal - has no rights to due process in any situation. So basically if Matt or his sister were to be pulled over for any reason, they could be arrested and deported without any justification or lawful procedure. And it would be entirely justified. That shit is just wack yo!

But seriously, if I could do something about it, I would. Whatever public opposition there is to such an unconstitutional bill, I will be a part of it. Afterall, I am finally passing into that age where I need to be less selfish and more focused on what hurts people I care about.

If only the Leprechaun was real and that poor young man got his Gold, he may have the power to stop this!

I want dat gold!

2006-03-23T21:44:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8&search=leprechaun

Bubb Rubb, your throne as special interest news cast king has been debunked by the Mobile, Alabama hunt for Leprechauns.

Kitty is in my lap

2006-03-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

I made a few special decisions lately that I'm starting to feel pretty good about. I hope they don't come up and bite me.

I saw the movie Lady in White and I suppose I'll have to recommend it to anyone who loves horror films aimed at children that involve Lucas Haas tracking down a murderous pedophile through the ghosts of his victims.

Do you ever have a dream that's so weird, you have to notify people? I had one of those today. It skipped around a lot, but kept coming back around in circles. I dreamed my parents were embarassed because somebody brought them onto a talk show to talk about their problems without their permission. I had to find out by looking in the TV guide and while I looked, I saw a new game show hosted by Jon Stewart and was like WTF? So I watched it and Lori was on it! And she won! I was really mad and jealous, so I called to tell Matt and he didn't believe me that the show existed, so I made him watch and he kept walking away when it came on. So I tried to get on it to prove it to him and the producers thought I was too stupid to be on it because it was a trivia show - even though my mind is crammed full of useless trivial knowledge, my newly bleached hair (which I really did do the previous evening) told them otherwise.

I don't remember much of where it went from there, but when I woke up it was 4PM.

Yeah, well...you guys can both eat my ass okay

2006-03-19T15:35:00.000-08:00

In a few weeks I may apprehend the coveted position of server with Alamo, giving me the edge to finally crawl out of Katy's rat race and get back on track to Austin where I might pursue the higher education that has been waiting for me.

I was thinking about fashion design and costuming and really had to ponder what was a more superior area of expertise. Janet just recently declared her major, in the process chaning from Psychology to English with a possible minor in Psychology. This caused me to rethink what I am really trying to do with my money and time when the oppurtunity returns to get back to the books. If I were to blow someone out of the water with my designs (doubtful), I don't know what to expect. I don't want to run a label, I don't want to design sequined halter tops for Foley's and I don't want to dress a community theater cast of Guys And Dolls.

So why do I want to design clothes so badly? Maybe because I'm enamored with the social history of fashion concepts, standards of beauty, so called status symbols and materialism in relation to women. Maybe I should think more about writing fashion editorials or studying as a fashion historian. If I could ever finish my long reluctant essay about the study of physical and social expectations applied to women of higher society and how it reflects class distiction, I would publish it here without hesitation. I'm just too lazy to do things when they don't require deadlines.

I've been trying to put together a more satirical jab at fashion editorials for a possible peice of spoken word art. There aren't enough female stand up acts that talk about things not pertaining to menstruation and the burdens of living with men. If there were more females talking about the pretensions and conventions of so called "modern women", the ideals of what the fairer sex could consider funny might shift ever so slightly. Matt's talked about stand up and God knows why he hasn't done it. If he doesn't, I'll beat him to it. First time I'll ever beat him to anything.

Hell if I can't act, it's my only other option.

Mmmmmm, juice!

2006-03-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

For a long time I've been strategic, but unhurried in planning out a perfect murder in my head during spare time. Most of my victimizing strategy is mapping out to be flawless, but there are still a lot of walls I face.

Most significantly, the wall of attempting to find the correct time and place to abduct said victim has been standing tall and high over my plan. I already now where and how the murder should take place and where the body wil be disposed of. But It's been far too hard to determine exactly how I'm going to transport an unconcious (or potentialy concious) body to the afformentioned locale without anything linking me back to the victims disappearance.

It's been clear for some time that this won't be done on my own and I will most certainly have to include at least 3 other participants in this grand caper. Namely men who can carry more weight than me. And don't be too quick to judge my actions, as I am already well aware that murder is for the most part, illegal and to end the life of an innocent citizen at such a senseless time would be morally reprehensible to say the least. But you haven't seen the topper on this cake: I will crefully elect one person who both I and my assistants have concluded to be the most deservng and needing of a good death.

Who will it be? A child molester perhaps? Maybe one who has already comitted murder? A Furry? You decide!

While I laugh, you DIE!

2006-03-17T22:31:00.000-08:00

I'm watching American Werewolf in London and I realised it reminds me too much of Matt. Too much in that it makes me miss him. I love David Naughton also, so I'm very conflicted at the present time.

He called me today, though I don't know why he chose to call me at 9AM. I can't even remember the conversation I was so out of it. I work nights and I sleep an average of 10 hours a day, usually from 3AM to 11 or 2PM depending on what the days schedule is. My theory is that he called when he knew I'd be dead asleep so I wouldn't talk a lot.

I saw V For Vendetta with Janet. My expectations were both met and exceeded. I was having misgivings about going after hearing all about the disruptions and recasting during filming and the difficulties getting it into theaters - but the final result was uniquely rousing and enjoyable. Hugo Weaving was good, if not elusive. And I have no hesitation in saying that this will be one of Natalie Portmans more beloved projects. But at this point anything is better than being forever regarded as Padme. I would highly recommend seeing it over anything else being put out this spring.

However, an evening seeing a graphic novel inspired screenplay can't be without its colorful audience. Some ingenious dork showed up complete with black suit, cape, V mask, banged wig and hat looking every bit as feeble as a graphic novel fan could look.

There are some times in life when a digital camera is both desired and nescessary.

The best part is when the snakes go "Ssssss"!

2006-03-17T00:59:00.000-08:00

http://www.tagworld.com/snakesonaplane

Happy anniversery Matt!

2006-03-16T20:51:00.000-08:00

I am starting to suspect I might not be entirely sane.

The uncertainty about it has come and gone, but has increased in the past 3 years and has as such, been pretty much a burden to me and my daily functioning. I decided the only way to find out for sure was to take a test. I was also considering taking an IQ test of some kind just for the sake of curiosity. But more importantly, a test of insanity. At this moment I'm not sure exactly what is compelling me to think so. Maybe because Parallel Lines is skipping at a swift rate and causing me to believe I'm hearing sounds I'm not.

No, it's more than that. The mere thought of some things make my heart speed rapidly and cause my breathing to speed up. Also, when I hear a sound I like, I scratch and pull at a scar on the back of my head.

I also seem to be missing some important bills that have been tucked away in my file box underneath the desk, but have now appeared to have gotten up and walked away. Coincidentally, they are all the bills and collection notices of payments and accounts set up in my name and my debit cards without my knowledge.

And my iPod skips! I had no idea iPods skip! It skips like a fat kid to cake.

2006-03-16T12:03:00.000-08:00

My distaste for people going to see Failure To Launch hasn't waned.

Daytime TV rules. I love Maury and I love Tyra even more. Tyra's utmost ego outweighs anything on TV. Maury is just great because white trash = better entertainment. My favorite subject is teenage girls being abused by their boyfriends. These girls are too much. "But he loves me Maury!"

The most kick ass thing about daytime programming is the commercials. If it's not for a cash advancement place or a no credit check car dealer, it's for local vocational training or on the job injury lawyers. I can train to empty bedpans is just 6 months!

Last night at work was too damn much. I really didn't like the expo I worked with. First of all, why do we have to call them the expo? It's the fucking kitchen manager, don't give it a fancier title then it deserves. Anyway, I have a feeling she made me stick around til midnight to do her own grunt work. From 10 to 12, I swept the same area of the prep floor 3 times and cleaned out the salad prep storage - all of which are the expos job. And I made frequent runs to the equipment supply shelf to get her salad dressing bottle toppers which she could have easily got herself. I really would have rather gone home then stay for the 2 extra hours of pay. Catering to one persons tasks wasn't worth it. I also really hate working with people my age in management positions when they can't even use the right words for everyday kitchen objects. It's not a "white thing", it's the cutting board. It's not a "plastic thingy", it's a bottle. Where's the sanitizer? "It's in the back like, this way to that side and it's the tube thingy and you stick your finger up like this, got it?"

What?

Click to claim your FREE* iPod!!!!

2006-03-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

I wonder what compels people to go out for a night intending to be a huge jackass instead of having a good time. And I've realised it's most everyone that's gone to see Failure to Launch. Everyone who comes for that is a bloated twit. I hate that damn movie and I hate everyone that pays to watch it. It's only this movies audience that is giving us trouble.

Especially the ones that stroll in 20 minutes after the film has begun to complain about how they haven't been served yet. You paid $35 so your whole noisy party could get in late and you order $50 worth of shit and bitch out the waitstaff (thank god I'm not with them) for not crawling hand and foot over hot coals and broken glass to see that your Raging Bull Pizza is sitting before you exactly 5 minutes after you ordered it, only to say you don't want it anymore when it gets to you because you "had to wait so long". Seriously, get a god damn life you hamfaced Katy pigs.

A strong urine odor keeps following me wherever I go and I think it's all my pants. Pippi has marked her territory on my laundry basket and keeps proceeding to make it her own personal litterbox because she has the ability to mask the odor by shuffling around the garments one on top of the other, like it's some magical cotton and polyknit litter.

Yeah, I'm one of those simpletons who talks about their cats a lot. I can't help it, they are both so involved with everything I do. And I need something to substitute for my aversion to rearing children, even though I love telling people with them how to do it right.

Some time this week I might go watch Capote. I am surreptitiously anticipating V For Vendetta after reading some good reviews. The staff has predicted it will be the surprise spring hit ala' Sin City.

I've really no desire to see The Hills Have Eyes since I hated the original and remakes do tend to already stink when the movie is good.

But the B movie nerd in me is drawn to seeing Stay Alive. It's such a blatant re working of the Brainscan plot that I can't tear my eyes from its already obvious crumminess.

I will also most definately be in line for Silent Hill.

* details inside

I see what you did there

2006-03-14T00:58:00.000-08:00

As soon as the desire to dispose of good income comes my way, I think I'm going to buy either an Autoharp, an acoustic Guitar or a beginners Mandolin. I've been wanting to play one of the finer stringed instruments for years, but never before realised how pointless it is to not do it and only talk about doing it. If anything, I'll finally have constructive work to do that doesn't conisist of blogging or iTunes meddling. I also feel a very appropriate kinship with the Ukelale, ever since watching Some Like It Hot, but I just can't justify anything to do with it. It would be wicked bad to play the Mandolin or Guitar in the thrashing folk/blugrass fashion, but I feel I could write more on the Autoharp than with a standard Guitar or Mandolin. I have no notions about the upright bass, as I find it to be the most badass of all instruments, but have no longing to learn, nor carry it, nor learn to carry it.

I just like lap instruments because I'm lazy.

I kill your fuckin dog for fun, so don't push me!

2006-03-10T00:12:00.000-08:00

I can honestly say, I've never been to a concert more boring in my life. Even with my first official concert beer, I was dulled out of my mind by the complete lack of Matt. A show without Matt is like a Martini without an olive.

Wait, I hate Martinis. A sundae without a cherry, there.

I completely missed The Tossers, thanks a lot Warehouse Live ticket holding service. And thanks so much Ticketmaster! I really do feel I needed to pay that extra $5 service charge, plus the mysterious $4 ordering fee for reserving a ticket online, only to stand in 3 lines to recieve the respective ticket and be allowed adimittance. And it's a swell good thing that you've monopolized the system to be the only major event ticket provider in Houston. Keep cramming it in our asses.

The Horrorpops were only the 2nd act, much to my dismay and played a terribly short set, almost too short to savor. Got some good digi footage. I would like to say I enjoyed Sick of It All, but I couldn't tear myself away from the realization that there was nobody to come panting out of the pit kissing me on the cheek and asking politely for a drink of water.

The Dropkick Murphys must have played for almost 2 straight hours. It had to be because the entire encore alone was a good 30 minutes. Weirdly enough I did meet someoen to chill with. Laura whom I briefly worked with at Beauty Brands. I met her in line and had a good time getting caught up.

Tomorrow (or really later this morning) I head west to Austinland, so that I may pursuade my partner to engage in premaritals with me.

Scrumtralescent

2006-03-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

Look, I made a blog!

Well to be honest, I've been blogging since I was 17. Once, years ago, I was duchess - nay, queen of internet blogging. Live Journal is still my most preferred of bloggers, but I have been known to enjoy the lower class felicty of Xanga and Myspace, mainly because none of my friends were on LJ anymore.

Too good for it huh? Cocksuckers.

Anyway, I don't write a lot about things that make people go 'aaaahhh'. I'm more inclined to write about things that make people go 'oh'. And sometimes 'so what'.

Well my tummy hurts really bad right now so I'm going to stop writing.